"You mock my blindness, do you? But I say that you, with both your eyes, are blind." (Oedipus Rex by Sophocles)
We always use our eyes to see things and make judgement but do we really see it? The truth cannot be seen by physical eyes but have to be revealed through the heart. Everybody has their own blindness; we can never see the truth with our eyes. Well, in some cases, when we see it, we shut it down because sometimes ignorance is bliss.
I have my eyes to see, my ears to listen, my mouth to taste, my nose to smell, and my skin to feel, but I never clearly understand anything with my all senses. I thought that I know someone, but I never did. I thought that I would get what I want if I tried my best, but it was a lie. I thought that working hard and closing my heart will give me joy, but it was wrong. I thought that success has finally smiled with me, but I just made a fool of myself. I thought that I could trust the people around me, but they failed me over and over again. I thought that life would become perfect these two months, but it turned out so frustrating. I thought that my achievements were magnificently impressive, but I was just a loser at the end. I thought that he would say he was so proud of me, but he kept silent and made me wait in hopelessness. I thought that she would give me a hug and tell me she loves me, but she was never here. I thought that life would be easier on me after everything I have been through, but it actually gave me more problems to solve. I thought that I could stand on my own and never depend on anyone again, but I just overestimated myself. I thought that all the pains, disappointment, anguish, loss, confusion, loneliness, sadness, fear, and hopelessness have gone away, but my heart was still broken and my tears were still running. I thought that I could clearly see the truth and know exactly who I am, but I was never able to handle the situation. I thought that I could control the future, but fate was waiting for me with more troubles that I have ever imagined.
Life is so ugly and beautiful, sad and happy, unlucky and fortunately, lonely and crowded, hopeless and hopeful. Life, what is it then? Do we have a voice in our life? People say God has a plan for us already, so what is the point of living? I just cannot understand. Am I good enough? What am I doing now? Why am I doing it? Am I making a wrong decision? Is it worth throwing away everything in exchange for a little something? Will I regret it in the future? Can I say no now? Can I change my mind now? If I do it, what will be the consequences? Will it be alright? What are they going to do with me? What is life going to do with me?
I miss them a lot! No word can describe how much I miss them. No one can understand how much I miss them. Nobody can imagine how much I miss them. I did not have a chance to see them before. But now I do, and I am losing it. Am I giving up on my family? They are just next to me, but there is a great distance between us. I just want to throw away everything and come home, but I do not even have a house. I just want to abandon everything and be with them, but can I? Or maybe I can, I just do not have the courage to do it. I am so afraid of the consequences if I make a wrong decision. It hurts a lot. Sometimes I cannot even understand me. Am I too contradictory? Confused? Am I such a coward? How can I have both? My family and my security, which one should I choose? If I choose my family and run away, I could lose everything I have built. If I choose to stay where I am now and forget about them, would my life be easier?
Life can be so dark sometimes, and there is no light at the moment. But eventually, God will open a window. This is what people told me, but when will He do that? I do not have much time here. I only have two months, and I am wasting it. Just because of a little benefits, I am leaving my family behind. Am I too selfish and cold-hearted? I have my sight but I am blind.
The sun will rise tomorrow, but how can I hopelessly wait in the evening? Light will come eventually, but what should I do in this present darkness? I will receive my sight back, but what is this blindness going to do with me? People say where there's a will, there's way. Is it true? I sometimes joke to myself that where there's a will, there's absolutely no way!
Right now I feel week, useless, tired, frustrated, hopeless, and confused. I wish there could be a hand holding mine. I wish there could be someone who understands me more than I understand myself. I wish there could be someone who will tell me what to do, or at least listen to me and read my notes. I wish that someone would be ... someone. But I know for sure it's not gonna happen. The past was the past only; it will never become the present or the future. That is life! So ironic! So ridiculous!
Sometimes I wish I could foresee the future. In Oedipus Rex by Sophocles, Teiresias, an old prophet, knows the truth and predicts the future precisely while Oedipus is poorly ridiculed by fate. Teiresias is blind, but he sees things clearly; Oedipus still has his sight, but he lives in darkness, lies, and illusions only. If I could have one supernatural talent, I would want to foresee the future. I want to know if I am making a right decision (when I finally make it). I want to know if I will regret what I am doing now. I want to know if things are gonna be ok. I want to know if the people I love will have a happy life. I want to know if my dream will come true. I want to know if life will be fair to me.
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