Who am I?

"What did this mean? Who was I? What was I? Whence did I come? What was my destination?" (Frankenstein by Mary Shelley)
The monster in the book is not only a gigantic creature in fiction but also a symbol of this life, this reality, this world. The more we live, the more confused we become. Some people may spend their whole life doing something, and then suddenly realize that everything is completely nothing. That they do not even remember what the original goal they were striving for was. That they unfortunately understand that life is full of meaninglessness, purposelessness, and hopelessness. That they do not know who they truly are anymore. They wear a mask and hide their identity behind it. What a pathetic life!
I used to be confident, strong, enthusiastic, determined, and optimistic. However, I am not who I used to be anymore. At this moment, I have no idea what my dream is, how I should live, or simply who I am. Everything I have believed in just suddenly vanished and left me with one big question: Who am I?
W/out a dream, w/out an identity, w/out hope, how can one keep alive? Philosopher Plato argued that a person, or a world, is made of two parts: reason/truth and emotion/lie. As a rationalist, Plato claimed that reason/mind is more important because it what makes each person unique in their own way. Ridiculously, I do not have that reason b/c everything I believed in is gone, b/c I have no idea who I am or what I'm doing. Besides, I also have no emotion b/c I cannot cry anymore. When the pain hurts too much, when the injury becomes intolerable, when the unpredicted future is full of darkness and desperation, when life has nothing other than despair and unfortunate events, we simply cannot cry. The tears from our eyes mean nothing at this moment. I cannot cry b/c that torture is inside my heart, not my skin. It hurts me spiritually, not physically. I am awfully screaming w/ no sound b/c my scream comes from my soul, not my mouth. When most horrible pain does not make any sound; it creates a big hole in one's heart. The most nightmare-like life does not have include any tears; it creates a soulless person. No tears can represent how miserable my heart feels; no scream can describe how much injury life has had on me. Silence is the loudest screaming!
Why does it have to be my life? I'm just a 18-year-old girl! I'm not ready to handle all these problems. I just want to be like other 18-year-old girls: hanging out w/ friends, dating someone, preparing for college, and most importantly, having a home. The loneliest person is the one that has no returning address while sending a letter. Believe it or not, that person is me. The world has 6 billion people, but there is no one I can rely on. The earth's surface area is 510,072,000 km2, but there is no place I can call "home." Ironically, no matter where I go, there is no family, no future, and no "returning address" for me. Is it my fate? Or did I, intentionally or not, create it? Was it my fault that everything has happened this way? Or should I blame it on others?
Why me? Although my situation may not be as bad as other people's, it is definitely not a fairy tale in which dreams come true and people may live happily ever after. It's reality. It's cruel, uncontrollable, unforeseen, pessimistic, disappointing, and nightmare-like.
Who am I? What am I doing? What will the future be like? Will it be better or worse? Where will I be? What is my destination? How can I get there? Is there any hope for me in this world? Should I accept fate and the misfortune in my life? Or should I desperately fight back? If yes, will I win?
Apparently, there is no such thing as "all men are created equal." The monster in Frankenstein does not have a choice. He has been abandoned, rejected, and brutally treated for his whole life. Is it fair for him? All he needs is some attention from anybody. Instead of blaming the monster, Frankenstein should accuse himself of creating a creature w/ feelings and running away from his own "child." It is a tragedy not only for Elizabeth, Williams, Frankenstein, etc but for the monster as well. Not everybody is born in the same family, the same situation. Some are more lucky; some are less. Then, how could Lincoln claim that "all men are created equal." The American dream of working hard and getting what one's deserves is absolutely a big lie parents telling their kids to make them study at school and be teachable. However, it is not reality. The American dream, just like Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman by Authur Miller, is dead. The rich gets richer, and the poor gets poorer. That is reality. There is no way, no one, nothing in this world can change that reality.

Is everything gonna be alright?

"All I know of life is pain [b/c] everyone who lives is also dreaming" (Life is a Dream by Calderon)
I do not know if I completely agree with the quote above but at least, I know that dreams don't come true in real life. One minute before, I felt like I was the most lucky person in the world since I had everything I am wishing for now: popularity, family, happiness, friendship, confidence, independence, and a belief in myself. One minute later, everything mysteriously evaporates, and I feel like I'm such a failure, a big fat loser! If life really is a dream, then mine is a nightmare right now. In this dream, I'm scared, lost, frustrated, painful, and confused.
Everything is for nothing. All of my hard work, all of my determination, all of my effort are for nothing. Since I was in kindergarten, I have been working so hard to touch that dream of mine. But now, I suddenly realize that dreams are only dreams; they will never come true no matter how much effort we put into them.
If "life is a sweet lie" as Calderon has said, then I would never want to wake up. I have lived in that dream, that sweet lie for so long. I've done everything I possibly could to reach that goal and I even believed that it was possible to make dreams come true. However, at this moment, I am awake and recognizing that all I've always believed is simply a "sweet lie." Reality is the opposite: painful, disappointing, discouraging, and hopeless.
I keep asking myself if everything is gonna be alright. I wish it could but something inside me is telling me it cannot be alright. I'm haunted by the past, disappointed at the present, and afraid of the future. How can a person with no hope in the past, present, and future be alright? One part of myself is trying to convince me that everything is gonna be alright; it keeps encouraging me that as long as I do not give up, miracle will happen. In contrast, the other part of myself is saying that I should not believe in anything in this world. It is bad enough to be hopeless; it is even worse to possess a hope and then lose it to life. There is nothing in this world can be worse than giving someone a hope and simply throwing it away. I want to give myself a hope in the future but I'm also afraid that I will hurt myself again. Without hope, how can person survive? If they can, they are simply a body without a heart. Will I be that person? Will I be the person with a concrete body but no soul?
Is everything gonna be alright?