"So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark, I still believe
Someone's watching over me"
Someone's watching over me by Hilary Duff
Everybody tells me how smart I am, but what I have accomplished is not because of my intelligence. As a matter of fact, it has nothing to do with intelligence. Ironically, I don't know if I really want to be smart. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not too smart, maybe I don't have to suffer all of the bad things in my life. I have accomplished a lot, especially at such a young age. But I don't have a choice. Sometimes I wonder I would give up all of these accomplishments for an easy life.
I am not as strong and happy as people think. I smile a lot. But that's not because I'm happy. I smile because I don't want to act weak in front of others. Behind close door, I'm just a little girl crying alone. Scared. Lonely. Angry. Frustrated. Everybody I love walk away from me: my mom, my dad, my family, my relatives, my friends, and even my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend now I suppose). Why does God have these people coming to my life, make me love them and open my heart to them, and then take them away? One by one. Every time somebody walks away from my life, the pain caused by the loss of my mom rises.
When I was crying over a failed relationship, you came to me. You cheered me up. You made me believe in love again. And you made me fall in love again. I thought I was the happiest, the luckiest girl in the world because I had you. I even thought you were the one. I loved you with all my heart. I opened my heart to you. I opened myself to you. I gave you my love and my everything. And I was living in the perfect world when we were together because I thought you always put me on top and cared for me with all your heart. But ... One day, just like everybody else, you decided to walk away. To make it worse, you walked away for someone else. You broke my heart. Nobody, not even my hateful relatives, has ever hurt me intentionally as much as you have. To make it worse, you even told me that it wasn't real. That you were simply playing the whole time. That it was a game, and the victory belonged to you. And that you have NEVER loved me. Do you know that each word you said on that day broke my heart? Do you know that each text message you sent on that day haunted my memories? Every night before you fall asleep, I think about you. I miss you so much. And I still love you deeply. But it's all fake. Everything is fake. Every touch, every kiss, every words, every single happy moment. Everything is simply a game for you. You fake it to take my heart. You fake it to take my everything. I feel so stupid! Why do I always fail in relationships? Why do I always lose the people I love? Maybe it's because I love too much. Maybe it's because I put too much effort into the guys I date. When I'm in a relationship, I open my heart completely to you. I tell you my very own secret. I let you touch the bottom deep down in my heart. And I open myself to you. Am I wrong then? Am I wrong to love too much? Am I wrong to care too much? Am I wrong to be myself and give you my heart?
I have not felt wanted by anyone for a long time. I have not felt wanted by my family for 5 years. And I know I will never be wanted by my family. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a family. Nor will I ever do. So that's why when I'm in a relationship with you, I put all my love, care, and effort into you. I put everything to build our relationship like a bird building its nest. And when you walk away, the pain comes back and haunts me. The pain of losing my mom. The pain of losing my dad. The pain of losing my family. The pain of losing everything. Everybody I love, no matter who they are, always walk away. Why do people always walk away? Why do people always never do what they promise? Why do people never care? Why do people judge when they don't know a single damn thing about me and what I have been through?
Today is my birthday. But why am I so sad? Oh I know it's because don't have a family to celebrate it with! I remember when I was a little girl growing up, my mom, my dad, and my brother always celebrated it with me. It was the happiest moment in my life. But since I turned 15, everything failed. I had no mom, no dad, and no family. I want my family back. I will trade anything to have my family back. I will give up everything I have just to have my mom back. I will give up everything I have just to have my dad's happiness back so that he won't live in fear and a broken heart anymore. I will give up everything I have to simply have my childhood back. To have my family back. But I know it will never happen. I know I will never have a family again. Not now. And never will. I am destined to be alone. Who would wanna be with somebody so emotionally damaged and broken like me? Maybe that's why all of the guys I dated always walk away. Maybe that's why everybody always walks away. Who would wanna be around somebody like me? I'm complicated, sad, and pessimistic. What normal person would be sad on their birthday or any special occasion and holidays? Normal people are happy on those days. But I'm not. I'm always sad on those days. Maybe the people around me (including friends, boyfriends, etc.) walk away because I can't be simple and happy like a normal girl. But I can't. Every special occasion, every birthday, every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, every New Year Day, I feel lonely! And it's simply because I have no family to celebrate with.
My friend told me I'm a strong woman. Well I'm NOT! I'm just a little girl. I'm weak! I'm not as strong as people think. And certainly not as happy as I appear. I cry behind closed doors. To make it worse, I cry over things that happened years ago already. I simply cry over the memories, not even the actual things. I'm nothing but a weak pitiful little thing!
But I believe "Someone's watching over me." That someone is my mom in heaven. Still love me and care for me unconditionally. That someone is God my Father. Love me regardless of everything. Protect me from all sorrow. And guide me through all hard times. that someone is Jesus Christ. Forgive me for all of my sins, big or small. And be here for me whenever I need Him.
