"So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark, I still believe
Someone's watching over me"
Someone's watching over me by Hilary Duff
Everybody tells me how smart I am, but what I have accomplished is not because of my intelligence. As a matter of fact, it has nothing to do with intelligence. Ironically, I don't know if I really want to be smart. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not too smart, maybe I don't have to suffer all of the bad things in my life. I have accomplished a lot, especially at such a young age. But I don't have a choice. Sometimes I wonder I would give up all of these accomplishments for an easy life.
I am not as strong and happy as people think. I smile a lot. But that's not because I'm happy. I smile because I don't want to act weak in front of others. Behind close door, I'm just a little girl crying alone. Scared. Lonely. Angry. Frustrated. Everybody I love walk away from me: my mom, my dad, my family, my relatives, my friends, and even my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend now I suppose). Why does God have these people coming to my life, make me love them and open my heart to them, and then take them away? One by one. Every time somebody walks away from my life, the pain caused by the loss of my mom rises.
When I was crying over a failed relationship, you came to me. You cheered me up. You made me believe in love again. And you made me fall in love again. I thought I was the happiest, the luckiest girl in the world because I had you. I even thought you were the one. I loved you with all my heart. I opened my heart to you. I opened myself to you. I gave you my love and my everything. And I was living in the perfect world when we were together because I thought you always put me on top and cared for me with all your heart. But ... One day, just like everybody else, you decided to walk away. To make it worse, you walked away for someone else. You broke my heart. Nobody, not even my hateful relatives, has ever hurt me intentionally as much as you have. To make it worse, you even told me that it wasn't real. That you were simply playing the whole time. That it was a game, and the victory belonged to you. And that you have NEVER loved me. Do you know that each word you said on that day broke my heart? Do you know that each text message you sent on that day haunted my memories? Every night before you fall asleep, I think about you. I miss you so much. And I still love you deeply. But it's all fake. Everything is fake. Every touch, every kiss, every words, every single happy moment. Everything is simply a game for you. You fake it to take my heart. You fake it to take my everything. I feel so stupid! Why do I always fail in relationships? Why do I always lose the people I love? Maybe it's because I love too much. Maybe it's because I put too much effort into the guys I date. When I'm in a relationship, I open my heart completely to you. I tell you my very own secret. I let you touch the bottom deep down in my heart. And I open myself to you. Am I wrong then? Am I wrong to love too much? Am I wrong to care too much? Am I wrong to be myself and give you my heart?
I have not felt wanted by anyone for a long time. I have not felt wanted by my family for 5 years. And I know I will never be wanted by my family. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a family. Nor will I ever do. So that's why when I'm in a relationship with you, I put all my love, care, and effort into you. I put everything to build our relationship like a bird building its nest. And when you walk away, the pain comes back and haunts me. The pain of losing my mom. The pain of losing my dad. The pain of losing my family. The pain of losing everything. Everybody I love, no matter who they are, always walk away. Why do people always walk away? Why do people always never do what they promise? Why do people never care? Why do people judge when they don't know a single damn thing about me and what I have been through?
Today is my birthday. But why am I so sad? Oh I know it's because don't have a family to celebrate it with! I remember when I was a little girl growing up, my mom, my dad, and my brother always celebrated it with me. It was the happiest moment in my life. But since I turned 15, everything failed. I had no mom, no dad, and no family. I want my family back. I will trade anything to have my family back. I will give up everything I have just to have my mom back. I will give up everything I have just to have my dad's happiness back so that he won't live in fear and a broken heart anymore. I will give up everything I have to simply have my childhood back. To have my family back. But I know it will never happen. I know I will never have a family again. Not now. And never will. I am destined to be alone. Who would wanna be with somebody so emotionally damaged and broken like me? Maybe that's why all of the guys I dated always walk away. Maybe that's why everybody always walks away. Who would wanna be around somebody like me? I'm complicated, sad, and pessimistic. What normal person would be sad on their birthday or any special occasion and holidays? Normal people are happy on those days. But I'm not. I'm always sad on those days. Maybe the people around me (including friends, boyfriends, etc.) walk away because I can't be simple and happy like a normal girl. But I can't. Every special occasion, every birthday, every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, every New Year Day, I feel lonely! And it's simply because I have no family to celebrate with.
My friend told me I'm a strong woman. Well I'm NOT! I'm just a little girl. I'm weak! I'm not as strong as people think. And certainly not as happy as I appear. I cry behind closed doors. To make it worse, I cry over things that happened years ago already. I simply cry over the memories, not even the actual things. I'm nothing but a weak pitiful little thing!
But I believe "Someone's watching over me." That someone is my mom in heaven. Still love me and care for me unconditionally. That someone is God my Father. Love me regardless of everything. Protect me from all sorrow. And guide me through all hard times. that someone is Jesus Christ. Forgive me for all of my sins, big or small. And be here for me whenever I need Him.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
PEOPLE ALWAYS WALK AWAY
"Take me back through times that's over
Take me back to days gone by
Wish that I could take you and feel you standing by my side
Make me more than just a memory
Someone that you can't ignore
Take me back to when you loved me yesterday
To the day before"
The Day Before by North
The most frustrating part of a movie is the sad ending. The most difficult element of a relationship is the breakup. And the most challenging time of a breakup is the sweet moments in the past.
Why did you promise me you would never walk away? I told you I was not ready for a relationship. I told you I was afraid. If I gave my heart to you, it would be broken when you walked away. And eventually, you would walk away just like everybody else in my life. But you promised me you would NEVER walk away. Why did you make a promise that you could not keep?
When I touched the bottom of my life, I wish there could be somebody there for me. But now when you face a very bad time in your life, no matter how much I want to be there for you, you ironically push me away. It hurt me so bad when I see you get frustrated, anxious, and scared. It worry me when you act like you want to give up and simply don't care about anything anymore. But most importantly, it broke my heart when you told me you don't need and don't want me to be there for you.
Relationship is not just about happiness; it also includes sharing, listening, and getting over hardship together. I want to be there for you, but why do you close your heart? You want to isolate yourself from everybody, so why am I one of them? I thought I was different. I thought when you shut down your emotion from everyone, you would not do it with me. I thought I could be there for you. But you said you don't trust me. That you don't love me anymore. And that you don't whether I decide to stay or walk away from you. My heart broke when you said those things to me. My mind exploded when I heard that you don't have feeling for me anymore.
Even though we're done and it's over, I am not done, and it is not over. I still miss you and love you terribly. It still bothers and worries me seeing you like this. It hurt me when I don't know if you are doing alright. I wonder what you are thinking now. How are you now? Very happy or sad? Have you been thinking about me? I'm still the same. Still loving like before. Still the one following you, wishing you good luck, and wanting to be there for you.
Every time I walk around campus, our sweet memories come back so lively that I thought it was just yesterday when you held my hand. I miss every touch, every hug, every kiss, moment we had together. I miss it when you gave me the jacket when it was cold. I miss it when you took off my shoes for me at night. I miss it when you tell me how much you love me. I miss it when you kiss my lips, my hands, my wrist, my fingers, my cheeks, and my forehead. I miss the walk we took together. I miss the fun we had on the bench.
Why did you walk away? Why did you push me away when I want to be there for you badly? Why did you say no to my help? Why did you treat me like a casual friend? Why did you close and isolate yourself from me? Why did you break my heart after I gave it to you? Did you really want to break up? What do you want? Why can't you make up your mind? Do you still love me?
Take me back to days gone by
Wish that I could take you and feel you standing by my side
Make me more than just a memory
Someone that you can't ignore
Take me back to when you loved me yesterday
To the day before"
The Day Before by North
The most frustrating part of a movie is the sad ending. The most difficult element of a relationship is the breakup. And the most challenging time of a breakup is the sweet moments in the past.
Why did you promise me you would never walk away? I told you I was not ready for a relationship. I told you I was afraid. If I gave my heart to you, it would be broken when you walked away. And eventually, you would walk away just like everybody else in my life. But you promised me you would NEVER walk away. Why did you make a promise that you could not keep?
When I touched the bottom of my life, I wish there could be somebody there for me. But now when you face a very bad time in your life, no matter how much I want to be there for you, you ironically push me away. It hurt me so bad when I see you get frustrated, anxious, and scared. It worry me when you act like you want to give up and simply don't care about anything anymore. But most importantly, it broke my heart when you told me you don't need and don't want me to be there for you.
Relationship is not just about happiness; it also includes sharing, listening, and getting over hardship together. I want to be there for you, but why do you close your heart? You want to isolate yourself from everybody, so why am I one of them? I thought I was different. I thought when you shut down your emotion from everyone, you would not do it with me. I thought I could be there for you. But you said you don't trust me. That you don't love me anymore. And that you don't whether I decide to stay or walk away from you. My heart broke when you said those things to me. My mind exploded when I heard that you don't have feeling for me anymore.
Even though we're done and it's over, I am not done, and it is not over. I still miss you and love you terribly. It still bothers and worries me seeing you like this. It hurt me when I don't know if you are doing alright. I wonder what you are thinking now. How are you now? Very happy or sad? Have you been thinking about me? I'm still the same. Still loving like before. Still the one following you, wishing you good luck, and wanting to be there for you.
Every time I walk around campus, our sweet memories come back so lively that I thought it was just yesterday when you held my hand. I miss every touch, every hug, every kiss, moment we had together. I miss it when you gave me the jacket when it was cold. I miss it when you took off my shoes for me at night. I miss it when you tell me how much you love me. I miss it when you kiss my lips, my hands, my wrist, my fingers, my cheeks, and my forehead. I miss the walk we took together. I miss the fun we had on the bench.
Why did you walk away? Why did you push me away when I want to be there for you badly? Why did you say no to my help? Why did you treat me like a casual friend? Why did you close and isolate yourself from me? Why did you break my heart after I gave it to you? Did you really want to break up? What do you want? Why can't you make up your mind? Do you still love me?
Friday, September 23, 2011
Abduction - a Chance for Taylor Lautner to Prove His Talent
Sexy body, hot smile, cool style and strong werewolf are what people think about when they hear the name Taylor Lautner. Similarly, Jacob Black and the Twilight saga become the symbols of this young movie star. However, what audience, mostly teenage girls, forget about Lautner is his incredible acting skills.
Along with mystery, fear and mistrust, romance and comedy lie in between the shooting and fighting scenes in the movie Abduction with Taylor Lautner and Lily Collins taking main roles as Nathan Price and Karen Lowell.
Nathan and Karen have been friends and neighbors since middle school; they have a crush on each other but do not dare to make the first move. While working on a school project, Nathan unintentionally finds out he is not his parents’ biological son. The whole situation gets worse when strangers try to capture Nathan since he is keeping something extremely valuable.
Obviously from Abduction, Lautner undoubtedly has put a lot of effort in the movie. The way this talented actor expresses his character on screen, the way he courageously protects his friends and family, and the way he looks at his lover in the eyes prove that Lautner is an extraordinary actor.
He has finally escaped the image of Jacob Black and successfully become the actor Taylor Lautner. Hopefully, one day teenage girls will scream for his unbelievable acting skills instead of his “smoking” body. At the age of 19, this young star has a bright future in front of him while pursuing his acting career.
And yes, he has his shirt off twice in the movie, but it is not important. What really matters is the way Lautner gets the audience’s attention with his acting style. Physical appearance changes, but talent, skills and passion do not. Hopefully, 20 years from now, instead of a hot guy with a sexy body, people will remember Lautner as a truly amazing actor.
Monday, June 27, 2011
SIGHT & BLINDNESS, LIGHT & DARKNESS
"You mock my blindness, do you? But I say that you, with both your eyes, are blind." (Oedipus Rex by Sophocles)
We always use our eyes to see things and make judgement but do we really see it? The truth cannot be seen by physical eyes but have to be revealed through the heart. Everybody has their own blindness; we can never see the truth with our eyes. Well, in some cases, when we see it, we shut it down because sometimes ignorance is bliss.
I have my eyes to see, my ears to listen, my mouth to taste, my nose to smell, and my skin to feel, but I never clearly understand anything with my all senses. I thought that I know someone, but I never did. I thought that I would get what I want if I tried my best, but it was a lie. I thought that working hard and closing my heart will give me joy, but it was wrong. I thought that success has finally smiled with me, but I just made a fool of myself. I thought that I could trust the people around me, but they failed me over and over again. I thought that life would become perfect these two months, but it turned out so frustrating. I thought that my achievements were magnificently impressive, but I was just a loser at the end. I thought that he would say he was so proud of me, but he kept silent and made me wait in hopelessness. I thought that she would give me a hug and tell me she loves me, but she was never here. I thought that life would be easier on me after everything I have been through, but it actually gave me more problems to solve. I thought that I could stand on my own and never depend on anyone again, but I just overestimated myself. I thought that all the pains, disappointment, anguish, loss, confusion, loneliness, sadness, fear, and hopelessness have gone away, but my heart was still broken and my tears were still running. I thought that I could clearly see the truth and know exactly who I am, but I was never able to handle the situation. I thought that I could control the future, but fate was waiting for me with more troubles that I have ever imagined.
Life is so ugly and beautiful, sad and happy, unlucky and fortunately, lonely and crowded, hopeless and hopeful. Life, what is it then? Do we have a voice in our life? People say God has a plan for us already, so what is the point of living? I just cannot understand. Am I good enough? What am I doing now? Why am I doing it? Am I making a wrong decision? Is it worth throwing away everything in exchange for a little something? Will I regret it in the future? Can I say no now? Can I change my mind now? If I do it, what will be the consequences? Will it be alright? What are they going to do with me? What is life going to do with me?
I miss them a lot! No word can describe how much I miss them. No one can understand how much I miss them. Nobody can imagine how much I miss them. I did not have a chance to see them before. But now I do, and I am losing it. Am I giving up on my family? They are just next to me, but there is a great distance between us. I just want to throw away everything and come home, but I do not even have a house. I just want to abandon everything and be with them, but can I? Or maybe I can, I just do not have the courage to do it. I am so afraid of the consequences if I make a wrong decision. It hurts a lot. Sometimes I cannot even understand me. Am I too contradictory? Confused? Am I such a coward? How can I have both? My family and my security, which one should I choose? If I choose my family and run away, I could lose everything I have built. If I choose to stay where I am now and forget about them, would my life be easier?
Life can be so dark sometimes, and there is no light at the moment. But eventually, God will open a window. This is what people told me, but when will He do that? I do not have much time here. I only have two months, and I am wasting it. Just because of a little benefits, I am leaving my family behind. Am I too selfish and cold-hearted? I have my sight but I am blind.
The sun will rise tomorrow, but how can I hopelessly wait in the evening? Light will come eventually, but what should I do in this present darkness? I will receive my sight back, but what is this blindness going to do with me? People say where there's a will, there's way. Is it true? I sometimes joke to myself that where there's a will, there's absolutely no way!
Right now I feel week, useless, tired, frustrated, hopeless, and confused. I wish there could be a hand holding mine. I wish there could be someone who understands me more than I understand myself. I wish there could be someone who will tell me what to do, or at least listen to me and read my notes. I wish that someone would be ... someone. But I know for sure it's not gonna happen. The past was the past only; it will never become the present or the future. That is life! So ironic! So ridiculous!
Sometimes I wish I could foresee the future. In Oedipus Rex by Sophocles, Teiresias, an old prophet, knows the truth and predicts the future precisely while Oedipus is poorly ridiculed by fate. Teiresias is blind, but he sees things clearly; Oedipus still has his sight, but he lives in darkness, lies, and illusions only. If I could have one supernatural talent, I would want to foresee the future. I want to know if I am making a right decision (when I finally make it). I want to know if I will regret what I am doing now. I want to know if things are gonna be ok. I want to know if the people I love will have a happy life. I want to know if my dream will come true. I want to know if life will be fair to me.
We always use our eyes to see things and make judgement but do we really see it? The truth cannot be seen by physical eyes but have to be revealed through the heart. Everybody has their own blindness; we can never see the truth with our eyes. Well, in some cases, when we see it, we shut it down because sometimes ignorance is bliss.
I have my eyes to see, my ears to listen, my mouth to taste, my nose to smell, and my skin to feel, but I never clearly understand anything with my all senses. I thought that I know someone, but I never did. I thought that I would get what I want if I tried my best, but it was a lie. I thought that working hard and closing my heart will give me joy, but it was wrong. I thought that success has finally smiled with me, but I just made a fool of myself. I thought that I could trust the people around me, but they failed me over and over again. I thought that life would become perfect these two months, but it turned out so frustrating. I thought that my achievements were magnificently impressive, but I was just a loser at the end. I thought that he would say he was so proud of me, but he kept silent and made me wait in hopelessness. I thought that she would give me a hug and tell me she loves me, but she was never here. I thought that life would be easier on me after everything I have been through, but it actually gave me more problems to solve. I thought that I could stand on my own and never depend on anyone again, but I just overestimated myself. I thought that all the pains, disappointment, anguish, loss, confusion, loneliness, sadness, fear, and hopelessness have gone away, but my heart was still broken and my tears were still running. I thought that I could clearly see the truth and know exactly who I am, but I was never able to handle the situation. I thought that I could control the future, but fate was waiting for me with more troubles that I have ever imagined.
Life is so ugly and beautiful, sad and happy, unlucky and fortunately, lonely and crowded, hopeless and hopeful. Life, what is it then? Do we have a voice in our life? People say God has a plan for us already, so what is the point of living? I just cannot understand. Am I good enough? What am I doing now? Why am I doing it? Am I making a wrong decision? Is it worth throwing away everything in exchange for a little something? Will I regret it in the future? Can I say no now? Can I change my mind now? If I do it, what will be the consequences? Will it be alright? What are they going to do with me? What is life going to do with me?
I miss them a lot! No word can describe how much I miss them. No one can understand how much I miss them. Nobody can imagine how much I miss them. I did not have a chance to see them before. But now I do, and I am losing it. Am I giving up on my family? They are just next to me, but there is a great distance between us. I just want to throw away everything and come home, but I do not even have a house. I just want to abandon everything and be with them, but can I? Or maybe I can, I just do not have the courage to do it. I am so afraid of the consequences if I make a wrong decision. It hurts a lot. Sometimes I cannot even understand me. Am I too contradictory? Confused? Am I such a coward? How can I have both? My family and my security, which one should I choose? If I choose my family and run away, I could lose everything I have built. If I choose to stay where I am now and forget about them, would my life be easier?
Life can be so dark sometimes, and there is no light at the moment. But eventually, God will open a window. This is what people told me, but when will He do that? I do not have much time here. I only have two months, and I am wasting it. Just because of a little benefits, I am leaving my family behind. Am I too selfish and cold-hearted? I have my sight but I am blind.
The sun will rise tomorrow, but how can I hopelessly wait in the evening? Light will come eventually, but what should I do in this present darkness? I will receive my sight back, but what is this blindness going to do with me? People say where there's a will, there's way. Is it true? I sometimes joke to myself that where there's a will, there's absolutely no way!
Right now I feel week, useless, tired, frustrated, hopeless, and confused. I wish there could be a hand holding mine. I wish there could be someone who understands me more than I understand myself. I wish there could be someone who will tell me what to do, or at least listen to me and read my notes. I wish that someone would be ... someone. But I know for sure it's not gonna happen. The past was the past only; it will never become the present or the future. That is life! So ironic! So ridiculous!
Sometimes I wish I could foresee the future. In Oedipus Rex by Sophocles, Teiresias, an old prophet, knows the truth and predicts the future precisely while Oedipus is poorly ridiculed by fate. Teiresias is blind, but he sees things clearly; Oedipus still has his sight, but he lives in darkness, lies, and illusions only. If I could have one supernatural talent, I would want to foresee the future. I want to know if I am making a right decision (when I finally make it). I want to know if I will regret what I am doing now. I want to know if things are gonna be ok. I want to know if the people I love will have a happy life. I want to know if my dream will come true. I want to know if life will be fair to me.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Who am I?
"What did this mean? Who was I? What was I? Whence did I come? What was my destination?" (Frankenstein by Mary Shelley)
The monster in the book is not only a gigantic creature in fiction but also a symbol of this life, this reality, this world. The more we live, the more confused we become. Some people may spend their whole life doing something, and then suddenly realize that everything is completely nothing. That they do not even remember what the original goal they were striving for was. That they unfortunately understand that life is full of meaninglessness, purposelessness, and hopelessness. That they do not know who they truly are anymore. They wear a mask and hide their identity behind it. What a pathetic life!
I used to be confident, strong, enthusiastic, determined, and optimistic. However, I am not who I used to be anymore. At this moment, I have no idea what my dream is, how I should live, or simply who I am. Everything I have believed in just suddenly vanished and left me with one big question: Who am I?
W/out a dream, w/out an identity, w/out hope, how can one keep alive? Philosopher Plato argued that a person, or a world, is made of two parts: reason/truth and emotion/lie. As a rationalist, Plato claimed that reason/mind is more important because it what makes each person unique in their own way. Ridiculously, I do not have that reason b/c everything I believed in is gone, b/c I have no idea who I am or what I'm doing. Besides, I also have no emotion b/c I cannot cry anymore. When the pain hurts too much, when the injury becomes intolerable, when the unpredicted future is full of darkness and desperation, when life has nothing other than despair and unfortunate events, we simply cannot cry. The tears from our eyes mean nothing at this moment. I cannot cry b/c that torture is inside my heart, not my skin. It hurts me spiritually, not physically. I am awfully screaming w/ no sound b/c my scream comes from my soul, not my mouth. When most horrible pain does not make any sound; it creates a big hole in one's heart. The most nightmare-like life does not have include any tears; it creates a soulless person. No tears can represent how miserable my heart feels; no scream can describe how much injury life has had on me. Silence is the loudest screaming!
Why does it have to be my life? I'm just a 18-year-old girl! I'm not ready to handle all these problems. I just want to be like other 18-year-old girls: hanging out w/ friends, dating someone, preparing for college, and most importantly, having a home. The loneliest person is the one that has no returning address while sending a letter. Believe it or not, that person is me. The world has 6 billion people, but there is no one I can rely on. The earth's surface area is 510,072,000 km2, but there is no place I can call "home." Ironically, no matter where I go, there is no family, no future, and no "returning address" for me. Is it my fate? Or did I, intentionally or not, create it? Was it my fault that everything has happened this way? Or should I blame it on others?
Why me? Although my situation may not be as bad as other people's, it is definitely not a fairy tale in which dreams come true and people may live happily ever after. It's reality. It's cruel, uncontrollable, unforeseen, pessimistic, disappointing, and nightmare-like.
Who am I? What am I doing? What will the future be like? Will it be better or worse? Where will I be? What is my destination? How can I get there? Is there any hope for me in this world? Should I accept fate and the misfortune in my life? Or should I desperately fight back? If yes, will I win?
Apparently, there is no such thing as "all men are created equal." The monster in Frankenstein does not have a choice. He has been abandoned, rejected, and brutally treated for his whole life. Is it fair for him? All he needs is some attention from anybody. Instead of blaming the monster, Frankenstein should accuse himself of creating a creature w/ feelings and running away from his own "child." It is a tragedy not only for Elizabeth, Williams, Frankenstein, etc but for the monster as well. Not everybody is born in the same family, the same situation. Some are more lucky; some are less. Then, how could Lincoln claim that "all men are created equal." The American dream of working hard and getting what one's deserves is absolutely a big lie parents telling their kids to make them study at school and be teachable. However, it is not reality. The American dream, just like Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman by Authur Miller, is dead. The rich gets richer, and the poor gets poorer. That is reality. There is no way, no one, nothing in this world can change that reality.
The monster in the book is not only a gigantic creature in fiction but also a symbol of this life, this reality, this world. The more we live, the more confused we become. Some people may spend their whole life doing something, and then suddenly realize that everything is completely nothing. That they do not even remember what the original goal they were striving for was. That they unfortunately understand that life is full of meaninglessness, purposelessness, and hopelessness. That they do not know who they truly are anymore. They wear a mask and hide their identity behind it. What a pathetic life!
I used to be confident, strong, enthusiastic, determined, and optimistic. However, I am not who I used to be anymore. At this moment, I have no idea what my dream is, how I should live, or simply who I am. Everything I have believed in just suddenly vanished and left me with one big question: Who am I?
W/out a dream, w/out an identity, w/out hope, how can one keep alive? Philosopher Plato argued that a person, or a world, is made of two parts: reason/truth and emotion/lie. As a rationalist, Plato claimed that reason/mind is more important because it what makes each person unique in their own way. Ridiculously, I do not have that reason b/c everything I believed in is gone, b/c I have no idea who I am or what I'm doing. Besides, I also have no emotion b/c I cannot cry anymore. When the pain hurts too much, when the injury becomes intolerable, when the unpredicted future is full of darkness and desperation, when life has nothing other than despair and unfortunate events, we simply cannot cry. The tears from our eyes mean nothing at this moment. I cannot cry b/c that torture is inside my heart, not my skin. It hurts me spiritually, not physically. I am awfully screaming w/ no sound b/c my scream comes from my soul, not my mouth. When most horrible pain does not make any sound; it creates a big hole in one's heart. The most nightmare-like life does not have include any tears; it creates a soulless person. No tears can represent how miserable my heart feels; no scream can describe how much injury life has had on me. Silence is the loudest screaming!
Why does it have to be my life? I'm just a 18-year-old girl! I'm not ready to handle all these problems. I just want to be like other 18-year-old girls: hanging out w/ friends, dating someone, preparing for college, and most importantly, having a home. The loneliest person is the one that has no returning address while sending a letter. Believe it or not, that person is me. The world has 6 billion people, but there is no one I can rely on. The earth's surface area is 510,072,000 km2, but there is no place I can call "home." Ironically, no matter where I go, there is no family, no future, and no "returning address" for me. Is it my fate? Or did I, intentionally or not, create it? Was it my fault that everything has happened this way? Or should I blame it on others?
Why me? Although my situation may not be as bad as other people's, it is definitely not a fairy tale in which dreams come true and people may live happily ever after. It's reality. It's cruel, uncontrollable, unforeseen, pessimistic, disappointing, and nightmare-like.
Who am I? What am I doing? What will the future be like? Will it be better or worse? Where will I be? What is my destination? How can I get there? Is there any hope for me in this world? Should I accept fate and the misfortune in my life? Or should I desperately fight back? If yes, will I win?
Apparently, there is no such thing as "all men are created equal." The monster in Frankenstein does not have a choice. He has been abandoned, rejected, and brutally treated for his whole life. Is it fair for him? All he needs is some attention from anybody. Instead of blaming the monster, Frankenstein should accuse himself of creating a creature w/ feelings and running away from his own "child." It is a tragedy not only for Elizabeth, Williams, Frankenstein, etc but for the monster as well. Not everybody is born in the same family, the same situation. Some are more lucky; some are less. Then, how could Lincoln claim that "all men are created equal." The American dream of working hard and getting what one's deserves is absolutely a big lie parents telling their kids to make them study at school and be teachable. However, it is not reality. The American dream, just like Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman by Authur Miller, is dead. The rich gets richer, and the poor gets poorer. That is reality. There is no way, no one, nothing in this world can change that reality.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Is everything gonna be alright?
"All I know of life is pain [b/c] everyone who lives is also dreaming" (Life is a Dream by Calderon)
I do not know if I completely agree with the quote above but at least, I know that dreams don't come true in real life. One minute before, I felt like I was the most lucky person in the world since I had everything I am wishing for now: popularity, family, happiness, friendship, confidence, independence, and a belief in myself. One minute later, everything mysteriously evaporates, and I feel like I'm such a failure, a big fat loser! If life really is a dream, then mine is a nightmare right now. In this dream, I'm scared, lost, frustrated, painful, and confused.
Everything is for nothing. All of my hard work, all of my determination, all of my effort are for nothing. Since I was in kindergarten, I have been working so hard to touch that dream of mine. But now, I suddenly realize that dreams are only dreams; they will never come true no matter how much effort we put into them.
If "life is a sweet lie" as Calderon has said, then I would never want to wake up. I have lived in that dream, that sweet lie for so long. I've done everything I possibly could to reach that goal and I even believed that it was possible to make dreams come true. However, at this moment, I am awake and recognizing that all I've always believed is simply a "sweet lie." Reality is the opposite: painful, disappointing, discouraging, and hopeless.
I keep asking myself if everything is gonna be alright. I wish it could but something inside me is telling me it cannot be alright. I'm haunted by the past, disappointed at the present, and afraid of the future. How can a person with no hope in the past, present, and future be alright? One part of myself is trying to convince me that everything is gonna be alright; it keeps encouraging me that as long as I do not give up, miracle will happen. In contrast, the other part of myself is saying that I should not believe in anything in this world. It is bad enough to be hopeless; it is even worse to possess a hope and then lose it to life. There is nothing in this world can be worse than giving someone a hope and simply throwing it away. I want to give myself a hope in the future but I'm also afraid that I will hurt myself again. Without hope, how can person survive? If they can, they are simply a body without a heart. Will I be that person? Will I be the person with a concrete body but no soul?
Is everything gonna be alright?
I do not know if I completely agree with the quote above but at least, I know that dreams don't come true in real life. One minute before, I felt like I was the most lucky person in the world since I had everything I am wishing for now: popularity, family, happiness, friendship, confidence, independence, and a belief in myself. One minute later, everything mysteriously evaporates, and I feel like I'm such a failure, a big fat loser! If life really is a dream, then mine is a nightmare right now. In this dream, I'm scared, lost, frustrated, painful, and confused.
Everything is for nothing. All of my hard work, all of my determination, all of my effort are for nothing. Since I was in kindergarten, I have been working so hard to touch that dream of mine. But now, I suddenly realize that dreams are only dreams; they will never come true no matter how much effort we put into them.
If "life is a sweet lie" as Calderon has said, then I would never want to wake up. I have lived in that dream, that sweet lie for so long. I've done everything I possibly could to reach that goal and I even believed that it was possible to make dreams come true. However, at this moment, I am awake and recognizing that all I've always believed is simply a "sweet lie." Reality is the opposite: painful, disappointing, discouraging, and hopeless.
I keep asking myself if everything is gonna be alright. I wish it could but something inside me is telling me it cannot be alright. I'm haunted by the past, disappointed at the present, and afraid of the future. How can a person with no hope in the past, present, and future be alright? One part of myself is trying to convince me that everything is gonna be alright; it keeps encouraging me that as long as I do not give up, miracle will happen. In contrast, the other part of myself is saying that I should not believe in anything in this world. It is bad enough to be hopeless; it is even worse to possess a hope and then lose it to life. There is nothing in this world can be worse than giving someone a hope and simply throwing it away. I want to give myself a hope in the future but I'm also afraid that I will hurt myself again. Without hope, how can person survive? If they can, they are simply a body without a heart. Will I be that person? Will I be the person with a concrete body but no soul?
Is everything gonna be alright?
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